Themis

Themis
Statue of Themis, Courtroom Person.

Themis, Titaness, Goddess, and Courtroom Person, first appeared in episode 29, Themis a.k.a. Let's Suck Today's Nectar.

Description

Themis is the Titan Goddess of divine law and order, the rules of conduct established by the gods. She is the second and ONLY wife to Zeus. He did not have any other wives, just Themis. No others were wed to or ever touched Zeus.

She is the daughter of Uranus and Gaia. Uranus was the guy.

Themis can often be seen outside courthouses, lawyer farms, or justice leagues, typically as a statue. Often she is wielding a sword and scale, because she can cut facts and opinions and balance that shit out. She was essentially the Alex Jones of the gods.

She is the voice that initially guided mankind in the primal laws of justice and morality, such as the precepts of piety, the rules of hospitality, good governance, conduct of assembly, and pious offerings to the gods. She is also the voice that instructed Mankind to be thrown off the top of a Hell in a Cell by the Undertaker in 1998.

Abilities

She is smart as a whip, with a body that won't quit. But she's not a fighter, more an intellectual. She has a sword, a scale, and her wit to help her in battle.

Tale

This tale is a transcript from the courtrooms when Themis was attending as a Courtroom Person.

Judge: 67th District Court is now in session. Judge Clarence Melvoy presiding. Please remove your hats and turn off your cell phones. Okay. We have McPoyle v. Ponderosa [sic]. Seeking damages for the loss of an eye in the form of a one-time payment to the sum of...$200. Are the plaintiffs present?

Themis: I will be representing the plaintiffs, Your Honor.

Judge: The defendants?

Themis: Uh, yes, Your Honor. And I just, uh, wanted to say I'm very excited to be here. I do estate law, and this is my first actual trial.

Zeus: Uh, Your Honor, and if I may, uh, Zeus, co-counsel. Uh, background in bird law, uh...

Themis: Husband.

Zeus: Yeah. But excited to be, uh, in the people's court a-and a big fan of black judges too. Stop touching me.

Judge: Okay, look. All I need are the facts to this case. I have a very long day ahead of me, so I'm gonna need to keep this thing moving.

Zeus: Are you gonna bang the, uh...

Themis: Yeah, yeah. The-the hammer?

Zeus: Do we... Is there a.... Okay, we good?

Themis: Hey. (chuckles) Okay. Cool. Awesome.

Zeus: Yeah. It's cool, right?

Themis: Yeah, nice.

Lawyer: Your Honor, Friday the 13th was a night of chaos. Milk spiked with bath salts by this man, Oedipus, was served to the wedding guests. Now, my client is odd. You might even refer to his family as... very creepy. But they are saints compared to Oedipus and the sordid lot of degenerates he associates with. Terrible people who ruin lives. Ruined mine, cost my client his marriage, ruined my first, now my second one is teetering. You know what... I'm gonna sit down. I'm done. They just did this to me, okay? You get the point.

Themis: Uh, Your Honor, I'll-I'll, uh, I'll keep it brief. I just have three things to say. Uh, one: Cronus has a history of lying. Two: My client is a loving family man. And three: He is innocent.

Statistics

Basic human in solid physical and mental form represents about a 3 in the numbered stats.

Themis Statistics

Strength (1-10)	4
Speed (1-10)	5
Intelligence (1-10)	10
Durability (1-10)	10
Vulnerabilities	No Fighting Abilities
Special	Good Balance, Fairness Sword

View all stats

Fight Club Results

Battle	Result	Episode
vs. Furfur	Loss	29
vs. Nike	Win	33